Ok. This post is very different from my last, but sometimes these things need to be talked about, or maybe I just fancy a chat about it.
If you’re reading this and you’re not in the mood for a mushy, thinky (yes its a word) type read then please feel free to check out my lighter/easy reads,here. Otherwise, please continue.
Around this time two years ago I couldn’t see any good in my life. I was surrounded by amazing family, fabulous friends and I had just moved in with my boyfriend. I couldn’t understand why I felt so low, but I did. I went through days where I couldn’t pull myself out of bed. Not because I was binge watching another drama but because I felt like I couldn’t face the day ahead. I didn’t want to see anyone or do anything.
I suffered from panic attacks on nights out with my girlfriends. Which made me feel stupid and like a child.
Some days I woke up feeling so low I would just break down, but knew I had to go to work so I’d get myself all worked up and cry so much I struggled to catch my breath.
Some days I felt like the whole world was against me. That nothing I was doing was good enough.
It took me a long time to get out of that place in my life. Sometimes I still have days when I feel low and just want to stay in bed, but instead of arguing with myself about feeling so rubbish, I get up, run myself a bath, make myself a cup of tea or a delicious hot chocolate with all the trimmings. I put on one of my favourite feel good films or Friends. I put on some make up and do my hair. I do whatever I can to make myself feel just a tiny bit better, but the most important thing I do is I accept that today, I feel sad. Accepting your mood is the first step in moving through that dark cloud.
There was one other thing that helped me through this difficult time. A book called called Mindfulness.
I believe the book helped me a lot but I think it was the gesture of a certain person giving me the book that made the biggest impact. My dad. Lets just say we’ve not always seen eye to eye and our relationship has gone through some pretty difficult and dark patches. So for him to reach out to me in a time when I needed my family and friends the most was something I never expected from him. Not only did he reach out to me he read up on why I could be feeling like this or just tried his best to understand how I was feeling, which for my dad was a first.
This book taught me about Mindfulness. Mindfulness aloud me to take my thoughts back to basics. Learning to simply allow time to breath and un tangle my thoughts.
Mindfulness isn’t about clearing your mind so you contain no thoughts at all (I’m sorry but this was never going to happen for me). Instead its about allowing those thoughts to pass through your head and leave again without you actioning them. Learning to accept that you have thoughts of anger or sadness or jealousy or whatever those thoughts may be and letting them pass through with out you saying those thoughts out loud or acting on them by staying in bed or starting an argument with your boyfriend, mum or friends. I believe mindfulness is about learning to accept yourself.
After practicing mindfulness every day for six weeks I was then able to use it as and when I felt overwhelmed with life. I allow a few moments to simply breath and calm my thoughts.
Since doing this I have felt a lot more grateful for the life I live. Every now and again I have these moments where I think to myself “wow. I’m so lucky to live somewhere so beautiful” or “I’m so lucky to have such an amazing mum”. I feel like I have a happier fuller life, but nothing materialist has really changed its just that I have been able to open my mind to what my life really is.
I believe I will always have anxiety, whether it is as small as a mouse nibbling away on some cheese in the back of my head or a big black cloud hanging over my head. Either way I know now that those clouds of darkness are simply passing through and on my good days instead of just letting them be “good” I make sure they are “GREAT” days.
“Sometimes you need to go through a little bit of hardship to be able to appreciate the good in your life”- Mum.
If you’ve ever struggled with anxiety,depression or SAD, Or maybe you still struggle with it now, I hope this post will let you know that you’re not alone. Please feel free to comment I would love to read your thoughts on this.
Ta-ra for now
P.S if you want to buy the book “Mindfulness”, click HERE.